Mad Lib Of The Day : Personal Ad

I enjoy long, gargantuan walks on the beach, getting spilled in the rain and serendipitous encounters with cupcakes. I really like piña coladas mixed with semen, and romantic, candle-lit hippos. I am well-read from Dr. Seuss to Walt Whitman. I travel frequently, especially to Istanbul, when I am not busy with work. (I am a pool boy). I am looking for board game and beauty in the form of a Peruvian goddess. She should have the physique of Ricki Martin and the senate meeting of Erin. I would prefer if she knew how to cook, clean, and wash my fishsticks. I know I'm not very attractive in my picture, but it was taken gazillion days ago, and I have since become more bloated.